Ways back in
I work in a team of people with varying ages and we often have conversations about our experiences. More often than not, they circle round to the fact that I have had more life experiences, based on my age. I clearly remember a time before Google, social media and online dating. I remember people who I knew, some intimately, that I assume I will never again see, in my lifetime. Which in some cases isn’t a bad thing at all. I’m big supporter of allowing people to let go of each other and have written about letting go of relationships that no longer give meaning, love or value.
But that letting go of people, the closing off of channels and the closing of doors back to you, has been changed by our connectedness. This isn’t just a rant about social media, and how personal data is traded without much thought, but how we are prevented in stopping routes back through to us. In my experience this is because the people of the world (including me) don’t want to feel lonely, or are nosy, or want to make sure someone isn’t getting more than they deserve. The way we live our lives on line now means that the space we take it is bigger, with huge depth and width. We go on endlessly like a Facebook memory. It taps into a primal urge to be seen in the world, to know we exist and that we deserve to be seen. But it’s a dark world of ego that is exploited and can easily get out of control, as we expect everyone to always respond to us.
Block, block, block
Is that the answer? I’ve rarely used this function in any of the social media I’ve used or the plethora of chat apps I’ve experienced. By blocking others, it feels like you are taking on the responsibility of their actions and feels like you’re supporting them almost, from making bad choices. Blocking also gives a sense of false safety, and puts up artificial tech walls in our minds. We all know stories of ex’s or wanna-be ex’s who changed their numbers or set up fake profile’s just to get back in touch and send nasty, unwarranted messages.
I think there is a much bolder solution, which takes a heavier mental toll on people. Just ignore them. Don’t reply to the passive aggressive text, ignore the dick pic and reject the nuisance call. Tech makes it effortless. If they know their message, picture or call were successfully delivered to you, and you still didn’t respond, it may make them think differently about you. Or, for the narcissist, at the very least confuse them. I always like to think that it disrupts their day for at least a minute. Causing someone doubt during their day is much more frustrating then a full out rant which they can ignore as craziness. Skilled gas-lighters and manipulators should get awards for this, they are so good at it. They disrupt your peace of mind in small incremental slots of time, keeping you in a permanent state of confusion.
I’m not suggesting we actively cause mental instability in an individual, but it may help your own mental health. Allowing those channels to remain open means that don’t need to be fearful of that dreaded day they find a way back to you, intentionally or accidentally. Don’t use a false wall by blocking, create a way inside yourself to absorb it when that person who made you cry for three days straight suddenly reappears on your phone or laptop.
I’m also not suggesting that we ignore stalking activities, cyber or otherwise. These require a much more robust response and there are agencies to assist us.
Regardless of how much we hit that block button, people find a channel back to us. Facebook and it’s suggested friends list, Instagram with its accounts to follow and even Tinder who regurgitates the same profiles makes it difficult to close the doors.
Sharing answers not pain
Collaboration is the key to just getting shit done. Climate change activism, raising awareness of safety from the bush fires in Australia, highlighting the experience of gaslighting – all of these encourage positive action. They give valuable information, guidance and reassurance. What we don’t need is a reminder of our pain and how we felt for those 3 days before we scraped ourselves off the floor.
I often read belittling columns about how those who “grew up on the internet” give away their privacy without a second thought and almost encourage bad behaviour. This is just bullying wrapped up as sage advice. We have no choice but to live online these days and its a good thing. Processes are simpler, we have access to our money, we can connect with people across the globe, we can collaborate with ideas, we can encourage, laugh and cheer on those who think as we do.
I say that we accept those who post nude pictures of themselves, who slip up with an ill-judged comment on Twitter or defend such a comment. What we need is to be forgiving to those who mess up and not hound them into submission.
My plea to the world is to express your pain, feel it, move through it and then move on. We all know we could cyber stalk that ex that burned us all those years ago, creating anxiety in their life. But is it kind? Is it forgiving? Will it help you in the long term? Remember your connections, but forget the one’s that are no longer useful. Don’t bother those who don’t need you anymore. Go out and make new connections with those who do need you.
